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When 45’s Thumbs are on Twitter…

Posted by A. S. K. on

Ok let’s cleared this up: one of the fascinating things about this age of the internet is that no reader knows when they are reading something that was written by someone who was pooping, and no writer knows if they are writing something that will be read by someone who is pooping. We tend not to ask that question so it’s not surprising we don’t ask it about our president.

Goodness knows “Everyone Poops.” My evidence is no less classical authority than the book I bought for my brother’s birthday when he started potty-training. It was a very funny, appropriate gift—just ask everyone except my stepmother.

I didn’t use to think it was that important to keep in mind the fact that anyone on the internet could be pooping at any time. But now that there is so much conjecture about why 45 tweets at 3 AM? I was as stumped as the rest of us, but then the answer hit me right in the fan: that’s when he, like many elderly fast-food enthusiasts, gets up in the middle of the night. People wonder about the 5-10 minute gaps in his tweets. The ones where he tweets half of something really important and then doesn’t finish the thought for as much as half an hour, if he even covfefe

We will never be able to solve that mystery as long as none of us wants to use our precious God-given imaginations to picture the fat-bottomed churl who makes the rocking world unsound, straining on the toilet at 3 AM, phone-in-hand. We must screw our courage to the sticking place; we do not choose our times but whether we live them with courage.

I admit to the possibility I am wrong in this analysis, and invite 45 to clear the record on this and so many other issues.

Meanwhile, let’s think about this. Not because it’s pleasant; but because it’s necessary. If we want to think of this president as a man, as a person who can be defeated, as the symptom and not the author of the woe he has been the irresponsible, morally indefensibly party to, we have to picture him as a person with weak-spots. Both the obvious (bald-spot, sexual performance, knowledge/expertise/competence) and the less obvious. I refer, of course, to his poops. These are obviously a problem for him, as they would be for anyone in a high-stress job, prone to eating high-protein/low-fiber foods, and who doesn’t get a lot of exercise.

With all the harm he’s caused, I can’t be the only one thinking about slipping something in his drink. I was thinking a laxative; and not so much slipping as prescribing. There is enough evidence already piling up to impeach the man. So what we need now is damage-control. I think that a bit of fiber (alas, not the moral kind) would really do the trick. Already, as President Couch-Yam’s media-diet comes under increasing scrutiny, it appears that companies are buying ad-space specifically to appeal to the president’s famously spineless suggestibility. John Oliver has made a running gag of this on his show. I believe it is in the best interest of American civil liberties champions, not only to keep funding lawsuits against him but also to take out advertisements for laxatives and sleep-aids on his favorite shows to watch or hate-watch.

Trump is the proverbial drunk in a bar. While he is still in the bar he is a danger to everyone there and must be treated with tact and guile; once we get him outside I think it’s only fair that a duly appointed cadre of citizens mistake him for a black man and beat him within an inch of his life.

Which brings us to the inevitable conclusion-slash-question of this ‘think piece’: is the president baiting his powerful enemies—journalists, terrorists, lobbyists, jurists; fellow-republicans, rival democrats, non-governmental organizations, national security, advisors, and RMIII himself—simply because it distracts him from the pain in his butt and the sensation of powerlessness he feels every time the turtle retreats back into where it’s safe?

No—he’s also doing it because he’s also a bad person. 

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