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What Good Are Rights if You Don’t Use Them?

Posted by Rob Mania on

I’ve given some thought to Trump and other well-off (white) people objecting to NFL players taking advantage of their first amendment right to protest. So, as a thought experiment, this is what it might look like if the NFL decided to take advantage of the other nine amendments in our Bill of Rights:

2nd Amendment
(Right to Bear Arms)
The entire team, including the coaches and cheerleaders, would enter the field armed like Rambo with flame throwers, miniguns, and grenade launchers. (All of which are legal, by the way)

3rd Amendment
(Soldiers Will Not be Quartered Without Owner’s Consent)
In a ceremony, a soldier will sign a lease agreeing to pay a fair market rate for renting a player’s house. 

4th Amendment
(Right to Privacy in Home and Effects)
All the players will put their phones in a safe.

5th and 6th Amendment
(Right to a Fair, Speedy, and Public Trial, Prohibits Double Jeopardy & Self-incrimination, Right to be Informed of Charges Against You)
Every member of the team will walk on the field accompanied by a lawyer.

7th Amendment
(Right to Jury in Common Law Trials)
Every player will hold out a 20 dollar bill, which is the value stated in the amendment above which citizens are entitled to a jury trial in civil lawsuits. To more fully explain the point, they will walk past a Burger King mascot and sit down in front of a judge.)

8th Amendment
(Ban Excessive Bail and Cruel & Unusual Punishments)
Players will spill sports drink on each other and then gently hit each other with pillows, to stand in for being tarred and feathered.

9th Amendment
(The Enumeration of the Constitution Will Not Be Construed to Deny or Disparage Others)
The players will bring out sliced bread, indicating that just because some behavior or invention was created after the writing of the constitution, the lack of specific permissions listed in constitution will not be used as an excuse to prevent this behavior, or, put more legally, circumscribe the rights of citizens.

10th Amendment
(All Other Rights Go to the States)
All players will waive the flag of their respective states.


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