I’m assuming that someone like Putin who demands absolute loyalty from his employees must surely have a pretty impressive rewards program. Probably leading the way, of course, would be allowing them to live, but there are surely other perks that don’t quite qualify as life or death, but nonetheless are shiny and enticing. This would be especially important for someone like Donald Trump, the Putin employee whose unquestioning loyalty Putin clearly has, but who is possessed of a watch-the-silly-monkey-dance distractibility, as it were. Putin would have to keep it alluring, fun, and easy to understand. With that in mind, here are the top rewards that, according to fake news, have been given to Trump from his Russian bestie:
- A set of Russian nesting dolls with the faces of Trump’s wives, both past and current, Stormy Daniels, and daughter Ivanka. The smallest would feature the face of Trump himself, which would enable him to be inside all of them at the same time.
- A Russian/English dictionary with the addition of key words and phrases like “no collusion,” “believe me,” “witch hunt,” “covfefe,” “fake news” and “bend over, Hannity.”
- A nice set of rubber sheets to protect his golden bed from golden showers.
- A video custom made for Trump that utilizes the Russian ballet, unemployed Russian reporters, and sock puppets to explain the U.S. Constitution as rewritten by Putin.
- A personal glover charged with making distinguished gloves for tiny-handed men.
- A ghost writer for Trump’s new book, “My Tremendous Time as President: A Bigly Two Years (Believe Me),” who knows that any missteps or gossiping or attempt at intelligent conversation about the book will be rewarded with a Russian nerve agent.
- A gold musical can opener that plays the State Anthem of the Russian Federation, Party on Your Pussy, and Kleptocracy (What Have You Done for Me).
- Guaranteed alone time with Putin to ‘discuss things,’ with new silk pajamas to be worn during the ‘discussions.’
- A putt putt golf course of his very own in the countryside outside of Moscow with obstacles including Paul Ryan’s ears, Stormy Daniels’ nether region, Kellyanne Conway’s mouth, Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ soulless body, and Mitch McConnell’s neck wrinkles, culminating in a mockup of Siberia (which, coincidentally, is where the course’s creator will go should his finished product not meet Putin’s expectations).
I’m sure there are many more that we don’t yet know about. Even with Trump’s obviously limited intelligence and the seriousness of whatever Putin has on him, I would still hope that it would require some pretty big, shiny, impressive incentives to sell out one’s entire country and commit treason on so public a stage. But Putin’s award program, coupled with the Trump/Putin bromance, makes working for the Russian dictator both attractive and practical, as far as Trump is no doubt concerned. After all, once you’ve milked your own country for everything you can get out of it and you begin to realize that all but your most steadfast and clueless supporters are talking impeachment, you need to have another gig lined up. But it’s going to be a long, painful fall when it dawns on Trump that his usefulness to Putin will evaporate like an open bottle of Russian vodka when he no longer occupies the Oval Office. Oh, he’ll probably be allowed to keep some of his rewards, such as the Russian dictionary. Now, everyone repeat after me: ‘наклониться, Hannity.’
Other commentaries by Gail Barth:Won’t You Be My Neighbor?
Real Fake News
Donald Trump: Clueless Idiot or Amoral Serial Killer?
Daughters in the Time of Trump