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This Slogan Kills Fascists

Posted by A. S. K. on

OMG you guys. Gerrymandering.

It turns out everything you’re doing is pointless.

Yes YOU.

All the outrage. The upset stomachs. Stress-induced pimples. Three-AM bowel irregularities, nightmares, hours spent raging at your friends’ or relatives’ Facebook posts.

Why pointless? Because logic: Republicans won’t impeach; Democrats won’t get elected. Not without your help.

Let's say that Vox isn’t your favorite news site, isn’t one you consider reliable, even—you have your reasons; that this isn’t the most important issue facing us; that we’ll pull through somehow.

Ok. How?

When was the last time the Democrats controlled the house and senate?

I’ma get a beer while you Bing the answer to that. Btw, props for using Bing, you nonconformist.

When Trump weighed defending Nazis versus defending their victims, or, at worst, defending people who scrapped with them, his choice of path made our path clear. Your version, your formulation, of that path, of what that path means, may depend on your religious or poetic affiliation (or lack thereof). Take comfort it is not a new path:

Though I travel the valley of death’s shadow
I fear no harm for you stand always beside me —Psalm 23


Easy to slip beneath the Black Lake’s waves
Ever and always the gates to the chambers of Dis make welcome
Minding one’s path; again reaching the world up above, and the breezes
This is the hero’s work. —Aeneid, Book VI

(Both translations by me. Yes, really.)

Let's say that 45’s problems as a candidate (remember those carefree days?) are analogous to any Democrat’s difficulty getting elected in a purple or red district. How did 45 overcome them? He tapped into real problems and summarized them in punchy catch-phrases of less than 10 words. Try this: first, gargle some saltwater to neutralize the horrible taste it’ll put in your mouth; then, think of five of Trump’s phrases off the top of your head. Now do the same for Hillary.

I'll wait. ’Nother beer. Want one? No I don’t have IPA you fucking hipster.

Your homework: find out who your local Democratic candidate is for 2018—State Assembly, State Senate, US Congress, doesn’t matter. Come up with a punchy slogan that fits one of the planks on the Democratic platform. Call that candidate’s office and tell them what it is. Come up with five. Leave your ideas in our handy-dandy comments section. I’ll collate the best ones for a future post and give recognition where due. As I say to my SAT students: I’d rather hear something wrong, something foolish, something that might be the right answer disguised as a wrong answer, than hear nothing. PLEASE take this seriously. Or did you want a Republican to take your district and either not vote to impeach or vote against when the time comes?

Yes, I’ll wait; but we’re going to need more beer. 

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