I sat down to write the speech I wish Trump had given, and partway though I realized I was just writing my little liberal masturbatory fantasy about the importance of free speech and the personal responsibility required in weighing that against others’ rights. But then it hit me, that was the speech I wanted a president to make, not this president. So this is the speech I wish President Trump would actually make.
(cue wavy “fantasy” screen effect, harp sounds and....)
To all the haters out there, I have two words for you: “Go fuck yourself*.”
A hater—and I think I may have made this word up—is someone who is a loser, or who didn’t even try, and they’re jealous because we’re winners. We’re winners, we win, we do lots of winning. And you people who can’t stand it, you’re losers! You’ve always been losers.
You knew when you voted for me that I was not a politician, I told the truth. I told you who I was.
When I stiffed the very people who built my beautiful hotels and casinos, nobody stopped me; when I walked into the dressing rooms of teenage girls, no one stopped me; when I begged Russia for help getting elected, no one stopped me; Do you think one asshole from Charlottesville getting run over is going to slow me down? I get on my phone and like that (snaps fingers) 100 million people, dead, just like that. Maybe more.
Now I’m a good negotiator. It made me what I am today. So, all you alt-righters listen up: you will not get everything you want. I can keep out the Syrians, I can keep out the Mexicans, I can put the Blacks in jail, but you better lay off the pretty White girls if you want me to keep doing what I’m doing. You stay by your computers and I’ll do the heavy lifting. I’ll be the public face because nothing these wimpy Democrats do will hurt me. But you had better sit down, shut up, and let me do my job, because this is hard enough as it is without you taking matters into your own hands.
So, God Bless America, Make America Great Again, The People Have Spoken. Good night.
*(Yes, I know, that’s a joke.)