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The Presidency for Dummies

Posted by Gail Barth on


  1. Point out that many of the campaign promises you made were just not practical (I mean seriously, a WALL?!). You know that you really only made them to get yourself elected by your incredibly gullible and thankfully adoring disciples who get their info from Fox News and only Fox News.
  2. Give everyone who gets in your way a disparaging nickname, such as L’l Marco and Lyin’ Ted and Crooked Hillary. This will deflect attention from disparaging nicknames that others give you. Like Orange Man. Cheeto. Hitler Wannabe. Donkey Butt. Tweety Turd. Orange Shit-gibbon. And nicknames that are obviously inappropriate and even more scary. Like Mr. President.
  3. Deflect, deflect, deflect and then deflect some more. Cause chaos that will distract from your larger agenda to ruin the country through acts of what some will call treason but what you know is yet another clever ‘art of the deal.’
  4. Hold ‘Yea Me!’ rallies immediately upon election and every other month thereafter. This will send the message that you are your greatest fan and allow for mass adulation by deluded voters who haven’t figured out yet that they’ve been royally screwed. And you’ll be providing jobs to unemployed citizens who can attend your rallies, blend into the crowd, and pretend to support you for a bit of green.
  5. Set up a Twitter account and conduct all presidential business from that tremendous forum. That will enable you to block whoever annoys you (from average joes to major press outlets) and avoid the pitfalls of press conferences where pesky reporters can ask questions they might expect you to know the answers to. Like do you have a plan? For anything? Ever? Don’t worry about the necessity of keeping information secure. The people want full transparency, so be an open book. It doesn’t matter that you’ve never read one.
  6. Undermine all of the country’s intelligence agencies so that any of their future findings will be called into question on the world stage and, more importantly, on the stage inhabited by those deluded patsies who voted you in.
  7. Assuming you know what the truth is, switch it up often. It will help distract people from any wrong-doing you may have committed.
  8. Belittle the United Nations and the many decades of good work and diplomacy it has achieved so that you can look like a big man to Israel, without actually having to know any of the relevant history. Or what you’re talking about. Or what damage you may be doing to yet another revered organization that exists to keep the world’s ship on an even keel.
  9. Appoint only those people who can do the most damage in all powerful and relevant positions. This will help you undo any good your predecessor may have achieved.
  10. Make foreign dictators your homeys to ensure they remain friends of the US. And business partners of yours. And pay no attention to those naysayers who say guys like Puppeteer Putin have ulterior motives; he likes you, he really likes you. Really, really likes you. With no designs on your country. And no illusions about your intelligence. Insert a little tough talk to cleverly mask any assistance they may have given your campaign.
  11. Establish your respect for women by groping only those who score an eight or above on your personal grope-o-meter. And chalk up any comments on such behavior to locker room banter. But just know that you are king and as such, can grope whomever you please, whenever you please, because they will welcome the attentions of a celebrity such as yourself. And you are you. And they are mere women and unworthy of your consideration.
  12. Get in good with the fundamental Christians and their vocally pious leaders because they are your continuing ticket to a smooth presidency, just as they were your well-oiled shoehorn into the heel of the presidency. Don’t worry about your not having read any actual scripture; I got most of my biblical insights from fortune cookies, but it was enough to fool the Right (well, that, and a brief reference to Two Corinthians). Besides, as long as you promise to yank marriage rights from gays and abortion rights from women, those guys’ll give you a pass. And probably a boost. And lift a prayer to the Almighty on your behalf. Just never let them know what fools you know they are. And fyi, don’t confuse the phrase ‘hitting your knees’ with the other references I have made to getting on your knees—bigly different. Bigly.
  13. Pretend to be at least mildly offended by support from white supremacy groups, but secretly court it. Those guys know how to appeal to the baser instincts in people. And baser instincts can get you elected. They got me elected. It’s all about lowering standards. Never denounce violence perpetrated by white supremacists at the risk of alienating your base and point out that there are good guys among them. And that there are some bad hombres on the other side.
  14. Don’t bother draining the swamp, and, in fact, add every heinous snake, lizard, toad, and crocodile you wish. Your close associates won’t care, your detractors won’t win, and your clueless supporters won’t know the difference.
  15. Cozy up to the NRA; they will condone and even encourage the shooting off of every foul and dangerous weapon, including your mouth.
  16. Make it clear that foreign governments like Puerto Rico are entitled to nothing from your country in times of crisis unless they pay up, and pay up now.
  17. Don’t worry about the environmentalists. Those scientists might be right, but that’s beside the point. You must protect the job creators in whatever way you can, even if it totally destroys the air and water. Besides, you probably won’t be around to see the damage, so ignore them. They’re only ridiculous tree-huggers.
  18. Insult and alienate the leaders of other countries. The fewer smart people who can call you out on stuff, the better. When they get angry and snub you, it gets you sympathy from your supporters. And if the other nations distance themselves from you, that will allow you to make America the isolated country you promised it would be. The hell with other nations; make America first. In everything. Including rampant stupidity.
  19. Speak only in adjectives and adverbs, preferably the same ones over and over. It makes them expect less from you.
  20. Don’t let Alec Baldwin or anyone else mock you on national television. Call them out and let them know you won’t tolerate such behavior. Use your Twitter account and tweet your annoyance with such disrespectful behavior. You are the president and that commands respect. You may not have earned it, but that’s not important. They can mock the disabled but they can’t mock you. I think it says that in Two Corinthians. Or Four Filipinos. I forget.

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