The president’s promise to give out awards for ‘fake media’ (i.e. those news outlets that reported anything true about him) has inspired me to give awards of my own to key Washington players. I’m tentatively calling them The Stinkies (the awards, that is). I don’t have the final trophy design yet, but it will almost certainly feature a large butt, a nose and a lot of brown. My awards will not violate the 1st Amendment as Trump’s possibly will, but they might violate delicate sensibilities. Or not. And mine are given on a ‘most likely to’ basis.
Script for awards program:
Welcome to the first annual Stinky Awards. These awards are presented to those individuals somehow associated with the current administration who have contributed in some way, from peripherally to infamously. Here are the lucky winners (please hold your applause until the end):
Most likely to mistake a problem for a triumph:
Most likely to become an empty vessel:
Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Most likely to earn a superhero cape:
Most likely to give God an insulting nickname and dare Him to object while standing under a tree in an electrical storm:
Most likely to get a failing grade on his colonoscopy prep:
Most likely to make a deal with the devil:
Most likely to need size petite in white sheets:
Most likely to lose a race with the tortoise and blame it on Obama:
Most likely to ask for a redo of the Civil War so he can take slavery off the table:
Most likely to require being plugged into a power source at night:
Most likely to run away from a car full of nuns:
Most likely to fail preschool midterms:
Most likely to sell his own yard off a square foot at a time:
Most likely to sing like a canary and then eat crow:
Most likely to do the dance of joy and relief knowing she’s the cipher in the family:
Most likely to take the fall in the Trump machine due to personal vanity and a healthy dose of stupidity:
Donald Trump the Lesser
Most likely to die from a ricochet bullet on an African safari.
Most likely to soil himself due to extremely hearty laughter:
Most likely to realize she dodged a bullet when her father didn’t “move on her like a bitch”:
Most likely to laud fossil fuels as a comprehensive cure for cancer, impotence, runny nose, migraines, sea sickness, std’s, flatulence, whooping cough, and boredom:
Most likely to need his lips surgically removed from the president's ass.
(Note: this last one was very close to an 18-way tie, but I awarded extraordinary consistency here.)
Thank you for your support of the 2018 Stinky Awards. We have a very deserving group of winners this year. They just don’t get any stinkier than this. Please be careful driving home. Remember, these people could be behind the wheel.
(Cue the applause)
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