Anyone else feel like Santa Claus kicked them in the solar plexus last year, then ran over them with his sleigh and left them for dead? Oh, yeah, let’s be clear about this: Santa Claus sucks. He sucks big time. His gift to the entire nation last year was a delusional, self-serving maniac all wrapped up in a hideous orange bow. And, unfortunately, it has been one of those damn gifts that just won’t stop giving. Or, I guess in this case, taking.
Yep, when he gifted us with Trump, Santa, in turn, gifted Trump with an entire nation for his personal playground, very large reality TV stage, and seemingly bottomless cash box. Trump’s business interests and, by extension, his ne’er do well family members, have been cleaning up, raking in the cash hand over fist. True to form, the grinches at Fox News have conspired to keep these continuing Trump-related gifties a big surprise from the general public, and it’s working with a large portion of their viewers, who have kept their Christmas jammies on all year, contentedly enraptured by the visions of sugarplums that the Fox anchors keep ramming into their heads. Too many of these incredibly deluded dodo birds haven’t yet figured out that it’s their naughtiness at the polls that prompted Santa to give us something so much worse than coal; they caused him to give us a presidential abomination who actually used coal as part of his extensive list of ridiculous, sometimes downright dangerous, campaign promises that stood in for any actual substantive platform.
Well, I feel fairly safe in saying that Santa has probably shot himself in his size 15 extra wide boots. Thanks to his grinning baboon of a gift, there may soon no longer be any snow on which to land his sleigh. Although the air may be so heavy with pollution that he and his team can park there. And he’s going to have to really ramp up the toy production in his workshop; eventually the increase in taxes that will ultimately trickle down to the middle and lower classes, along with increased healthcare costs, will leave parents a bit strapped. They may not be able to help with the gift giving like they could before. And if the racism both condoned and encouraged by Trump gets much worse, Santa may find it difficult to get children who aren’t lily white past bigoted bullies in the mall and onto his lap. He may have to resort to guessing what the black and Hispanic children want for Christmas. And Santa’s legendary and cheerful ‘ho, ho, ho’ has now undoubtedly been appropriated by Trump as his label for virtually every female, regardless of age, relation, or bra size, in his unfortunate and typically slimy universe. Oh, and let’s not forget the chance that Santa may be shot right out of the sky as he flies overhead on Christmas Eve by some crazy with unlimited and very powerful weaponry.
There are so many other problems with last year’s ‘gift’ to the nation that it’s not possible to list them all here. It doesn’t really matter anyway, at this point; the horrendous gift that keeps on relentlessly ‘giving’ has done his damage and the point where anyone, even the inimitable Santa Claus, could undo it is rapidly approaching. For some of it, such as our standing with other nations, I fear that deadline has passed. But I’m so pissed wth the jolly old fat guy right now that I’m going to demand a chance to put in some requests that will help make things right. So, Santa, I’m climbing onto your lap in a virtual sense, and here’s my list:
We’ll start there, but wait for more requests to come; it’s not yet December. And I’d ask for large and painful boils on the butt cheeks of Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan, but that would be wrong. I guess. But if you’d like to put a little impeachment in my stocking, I’d be so good with that. So very, very good with that.
Merry Christmas, Santa. And let’s get it right this year.