Your Cart

Gospel of Trump

Posted by Gail Barth on

This is HUGE, just Uuuge! Just as other lost books of the Bible have turned up out of the blue, thrilling both theologians and historians alike, now yet another lost Gospel has come to light and, as I feel certain that Moses or Jacob or some other famous biblical personage would say if they hadn’t been dead for thousands of years, it’s a beaut. This one is the lost Gospel of Trump. It sheds light on why the current administration in D.C. feels so empowered to do pretty much whatever they want. Seriously, whatever. The evangelicals who have supported Trump from day one are, needless to say, over the moon about this discovery as it validates what their desperation got them on Election Day. They believe the current president is somehow ordained by God, and this discovery will likely enable them to sleep at night.

(T-1) And the Lord God spake to Trump and thus did sayeth, Go into the D of C and know thou that thy word is law, greater even than Mine own. Let thy ego puff up and thy conscience wither away, for the former will get thee the position of which thou dreamst, and the latter will do thee no good whither thou goest.

(T-2) Know thou that females are good for the procuring of thine happy endings, but of little value for much else. Therefore, let thy hands wander where they wish, from the globes of glory to the triangle of earthly delights, for thou art powerful and thy tiny hands, instruments to be both feared and tolerated. And should any female get in thy way, get thee to belittling and name-calling, for thou art the master and they, the handmaids that are fit only to serve thee.

(T-3) Let not the truth in any way impede the good work thou pursuest, for thy word maketh all things true, whether they be so or not. To speak the truth is to risk discovery of thy intellect and contradiction and get in the way of future distractions; a lie that becomes an oft-repeated joyful noise can serve thee well, even unto thy day of reckoning.

(T-4) Worry not about the planet thou inhabitest, for it, too, exists only to serve thee and thy friends who have plenty. Let the water flow as is, even though it be foul. Let the air around thee thicken and burn thine eyes. Let the birds fall to the earth and the beasts stumble from hunger. Let the ice melt and the rain fall warm like tears. For all of these are of no consequence when compared to the riches that can be claimed by thy refusal to bow to those who would interfere with the accumulation of vast wealth.

(T-5) Thou art the One, and therefore let those in other cities and foreign climes know you as God. Do not worry that thou might offend these others who would seek to hold you to higher standards. They will see the light and bow to you in all things. Or thou wilt take thy taxes and play ball that is hard. Worry not that thou might be perceived as presumptuous, for such is not possible in one such as thou art, who can never be wrong, nor can he be swayed by logic or common sense.

(T-6) Know that all must bow down unless they be on fields of sport, for such disgraceful sportsmen as they are not deserving of thy respect, though their reasons for kneeling be sound ones. And decree that teams such as the Eagles be turned away from thy door, for they disagree with thee and such defiance must not be countenanced.

(T-7) Take thou many wives and let there be overlap in your affections. Each must know that she cannot hold thy heart when thy heart is consumed with thyself. For the importance therein allows no room for wives or their offspring, but only for the one true Trump.

(T-8) Your Kingdom of Heaven does not belong to those whose color, creed, or religion differ from thine own. Therefore let not your conscience, however minuscule, trouble thee if thou choose to keep them far away from thee. And let not the wisdom and sound governing of any man of color who may have come before thee overshadow thy own rule, for he is but a man of color and you are not. And hasten to ensure that all in your country know that such men as he are inferior. Encourage your people with inciteful words to rise up against them with banners and torches. And let it not trouble thee that these outsiders are truly superior to thee in wisdom and moral standing, for by keeping them in their place, thou wilt elevate thine own importance.

(T-9) Suffer the little children to suffer if, indeed, they be progeny of those from foreign climes who wish asylum with thy people. For thou hast an obligation to keep the common filth away from thine own, and a duty to keep your country’s resources only unto themselves. So let the children be wrenched from the arms of their parents and let not the cries of the innocent sway thee. For thou art Trump, and as such must be devoid of compassion and strength of character to maintain the being that thou hast shown thyself to be.


Other commentaries by Gail Barth: 

Missouri Waltz
Dear Donald Trump and Missouri Governor Eric Greitens
Sing-Along with Donald Trump
What is Wrong with America...
Single Issue Voting
Weary Warriors





Leave a comment:

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published